A Tale of Loose Women and Man-Haters
Note: This post originally appeared as a guest post on Caitlin Moran’s website.
‘Don’t much like the look of this,’ says a woman at work, reading the back cover of How to be a Woman. ‘Really? Why not?’ I inquire innocently. ‘She sounds like one of those man-haters. Mind you, I never find women funny. All that lot on Loose Women? I’d shoot them.’ ‘Oh,’ I say. And that’s pretty much all I say, because truthfully? This woman scares me a little bit. She almost always wears pantsuits, used to be in the military (no-one dares ask doing what exactly) and would definitely look at you cock-eyed if you used the phrase ‘mumpreneur’ within a five mile radius of her.
The incident got me thinking about how much stock we, as a species, place in stereotypes and conventions. Although we’ve moved a long way towards unpicking the ideology of racism (except for the odd grandparent remarking that ‘there are a lot of coloured people on the telly’ at Christmas dinner), we don’t seem to be doing anywhere near as well when it comes to gender – the fact that I used to know someone at University whose two favourite tops were his ‘kick racism out of football’ jersey and a t-shirt that bore some humourless slogan about women needing to make him a sandwich attests to this. Trust me, he didn’t need anyone else making him sandwiches.
When I tell people about my interest in women’s issues the responses I get tend to vary from ‘lol, good one’ to ‘you a puff then?’ I’ve even had one person think it was all a Barney Stinson-esque scheme to get into women’s pants. As if I’m wily enough to uphold such a pretence. There are those who insist that the way to put an end to racism and sexism is to stop talking about it, but I simply can’t agree. I’ve been reading and talking a lot about street harassment recently, and discovered the sobering statistic that over 80% of women worldwide face it at some point. Having suffered street harassment from both men and women (clearly my good looks have appeal to those of every sexuality…*ahem*) in the past, I know that it’s not fun or flattering. Which leads me to the next problem…
On several of the occasions I’ve tried to speak about these instances, I’ve had people (both male and female) try to brush it off with remarks like ‘oh, you bloody loved it!’ Clearly they haven’t had anything similar happen to them. For me, the issue of treating the sexes as fundamentally different is the crux of the problem – we don’t need a women’s rights movement and a men’s rights movement pitching frantically to everyone in the middle. We need a unified, reasonable and strong equal rights movement that recognises that both Andy Gray and Richard Key’s sexist comments about female linesmen (err, lineswomen) AND Sharon Osbourne giggling on national TV about a woman drugging her husband, chopping off his penis and putting it in a garbage disposal are not only unacceptable, but utterly abhorrent.
Do I see that happening any time soon? Probably not. Because we’re back to stereotypes again – minorities in both the men’s rights (the ‘women are just going too far now’ crew) and women’s rights (the ‘man-haters’) movements give the majority a bad name, so a team-up in the near future is probably unlikely. I’ll be first to sign up if it happens, but until then I’ll just continue to sigh loudly when people think I’m gay, self hating or crazy just because I’m a ‘feminist’.
I’m afraid to say, men saying they’re feminists is a bit of a pet peeve for me. I should probably examine that a bit further – but it feels like I’ve heard an awful lot of men say to me ‘I’m a feminist, actually’ that I view it as a bit of a line. A recent example is this: I was discussing the phenomenon of Steak and Blow Job day with a male friend. He said ‘it’s a bit offensive, isn’t it?’ I enquired as to why – after all, I’m both a woman and a vegetarian, and I don’t find it in the least bit offensive. His reply was ‘well, I suppose I’m a bit of a feminist, really’. So that’s my issue with it. Well-meaning chaps saying it as a sort of bookmark on the end of a statement which they can’t really explain. People taking offence on behalf of other people. But that’s a wider issue than a man/woman thing.
All that being said, it’s extremely refreshing and welcome to hear a man address the issue of street harrassment in the way that you did. It happens to me a fair amount (combination of going to lots of busy areas, and often wearing fairly short skirts, I suppose) and I hate it. I absolutely hate it. It’s nearly impossible to explain to people, because as a general rule, as you pointed out, a lot of men will go ‘you love it really, though’. Actually, not just men. Even a female friend said that to me the other day. And if you try to reverse it and explain it to a man by saying ‘but imagine if a whole group of women started shouting at you in the street about how you looked’, they invariably say ‘I’d absolutely love it’.
Bit of a ramble, but good post, and thank you for the food for thought. I’ve clearly got some work to do on my issue of male feminists.
Well, that’s why I used the quotation marks in the final line – I wouldn’t like to define myself as a feminist, though I guess some of the things I believe in might class me as such.
While I’m happy to say what I find offensive, I don’t speak for everyone else so I’d probably avoid bookending remarks with vague statements like ‘because I’m a feminist’, which is about as useful a justification as people talking about ‘the American dream’ – unless it’s quantified, it doesn’t mean anything.
I disagree with your comment about men invariably saying they’d love it if women were harassing them – if I’m approached in a polite, tasteful way, it can be flattering, but that’s rarely how it’s happened and I haven’t found it to be a pleasant experience.
Enjoy eating my thought food…or something like that.
Interesting post, although I think the problem with the word ‘feminist’ as a label is that it’s such an essentially contested concept. I don’t personally identify with the word and would never use it to describe myself, but that certainly doesn’t mean I’m not all for women’s rights (or, indeed, everyone’s rights). I don’t like the stereotype that comes with it, and I wouldn’t want it to be attached to me.
Verbal street harrassment isn’t something I can summon the energy to be bothered about though; even when it happens I barely notice it. It’s something that juvenile idiots are always going to do. I think we’d be better off encouraging young people not to be intimidated by such behaviour (like my parents did with me).
Also: Sharon Osbourne is vile.
Emily
http://www.incurablycurious.com
Interesting that you mention that your parents taught you not to be intimated by such behaviour – wouldn’t it be great if parents taught their kids not to carry out such behaviour in the first place…!
Yeah, not a Sharon fan. At all. Thanks for the comment!
Haha – yes, it would be wonderful! I know for a fact if I had ever behaved like some people do towards strangers in the street my father would have gone absolutely bloody mental. Especially if I was a bloke trying to intimidate women. I think all new parents ought to go to government-funded classes on ‘how to go completely and utterly berserk at unruly offspring’. It would sort out a lot of problems.
Following; enjoy your writing a lot!
Definitely; I think we (not you and me, humanity in general!) need to set some guidelines about acceptable social behaviour and make sure people adhere to them! haha. Thank you
Yes!
1. Do not abuse strangers in the street.
2. Do not take up more than one parking space.
Once we’ve sorted those out I reckon we’re 50% there.
Shouldn’t your t-shirt really be saying, “This is what a mangina looks like”?
I don’t get it. Also, that’s not me, sweetie.
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