You can’t spell Twitter without wit.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make. I’m a total twelitist. I hate 90% of the people on Twitter. From the Bieber trends to moronic tweets like ‘The #OlympicsOpeningCeremony2012 music is Danny Boy, that’s a song that I’m aware of!!!’, which make me want to set up parody accounts like @EarMan (which just tweets people all day saying stuff like like ’As someone with ears, that tweet was not necessary.’), but frankly I don’t have the bandwidth.

My modest proposal? A task-force. But not just any task-force. A Twitter Wanker Avoidance Task-Force. TWAT, for short. ‘Why do we need something like this?’ I hear you scream. Exhibit A -

While it’s no secret that I’m not Tom Daley’s biggest fan (he looks like a big tanned baby), even I winced as I read @Rileyy_69′s Twitter tirade. And his insincere apology. And the tirade that followed that. While it’s difficult to believe that someone would tweet something so moronic and thoughtless, it’s even more difficult to believe that they would just…KEEP GOING. No way he’d have passed the TWAT test. To (mis)quote Christopher Hitchens: ‘Everyone has tweets in them, which is exactly where I think they should, in most cases, remain.’

Then again, even if we implement my idea there’ll inevitably be dickheads who slip through the cracks. Just look at driving. A test from a stern, matronly woman or a man in a blazer with a paedo ‘stache (let’s face it, it was only ever one of these options) should ensure that there are no oiks on the road. But it doesn’t. There they are, sat in their shitty souped up Corsa in the car park of TGI Friday’s, pooling collective IQ points with their spotty minions to figure out how many months of benefits they need to save up to afford a new spoiler for said shitty souped up Corsa.

Now, for the denouement. If Twitter winds me up so much, why do I stay? Because of the other 10%. You lot are bloody brilliant, and…well, I’d miss you too much.

Kiss kiss.


  1. Belle du Brighton/Lauren

    I enjoyed it (as per)
    Sometimes people who I genuinely like (and interact with) come out with a complete corker of a tweet, and instead of getting annoyed about it and quietly seething whilst trying not to bang out an angry reply, I just unfollow them, then block them, and it makes me feel a bit better!
    The other thing that realllllly pisses me off is that I work for a HUGE corporate company, and if someone bashes us without cause on twitter (As people frequently do) some oik at head office gets all apologetic and refunds them, even if their twitter pic is their chin above two huge breasts and not much else, and all their tweets are written in text speak. When confronted with proof that actually the company did nothing wrong to the busty tweeter, I was given the answer “oh but she has 700 followers and it made us look bad” GRRRRRRRRRRR.

    • Stu Bradley

      Yeah, corporate tweeting is a messy business. You can’t really ignore angry tweets even if it’s not the proper route for lodging a complaint. But if you make a big enough noise…they’ll listen.