Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make. I’m a total twelitist. I hate 90% of the people on Twitter. From the Bieber trends to moronic tweets like ‘The #OlympicsOpeningCeremony2012 music is Danny Boy, that’s a song that I’m aware of!!!’, which make me want to set up parody accounts like @EarMan (which just tweets people all day saying stuff like like ’As someone with ears, that tweet was not necessary.’), but frankly I don’t have the bandwidth.
My modest proposal? A task-force. But not just any task-force. A Twitter Wanker Avoidance Task-Force. TWAT, for short. ‘Why do we need something like this?’ I hear you scream. Exhibit A -
While it’s no secret that I’m not Tom Daley’s biggest fan (he looks like a big tanned baby), even I winced as I read @Rileyy_69′s Twitter tirade. And his insincere apology. And the tirade that followed that. While it’s difficult to believe that someone would tweet something so moronic and thoughtless, it’s even more difficult to believe that they would just…KEEP GOING. No way he’d have passed the TWAT test. To (mis)quote Christopher Hitchens: ‘Everyone has tweets in them, which is exactly where I think they should, in most cases, remain.’
Then again, even if we implement my idea there’ll inevitably be dickheads who slip through the cracks. Just look at driving. A test from a stern, matronly woman or a man in a blazer with a paedo ‘stache (let’s face it, it was only ever one of these options) should ensure that there are no oiks on the road. But it doesn’t. There they are, sat in their shitty souped up Corsa in the car park of TGI Friday’s, pooling collective IQ points with their spotty minions to figure out how many months of benefits they need to save up to afford a new spoiler for said shitty souped up Corsa.
Now, for the denouement. If Twitter winds me up so much, why do I stay? Because of the other 10%. You lot are bloody brilliant, and…well, I’d miss you too much.